Jokes

2 of 467

I am dying

Husband texts to wife on cell..

"Hi, what r u doing Darling?"

Wife: I'm dying..!

Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"

Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."

Husband: "Bloody English Language!

Angry wife to her husband

An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone:  
"Where d Hell Are You ...?"

Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O:)

Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!

Husband: I 'm in the Pub Just Next To That Shop

A Special Package for Business Men.

An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free. After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"

Husband was seriously ill

Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don't discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don't demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.

On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?

Wife:- .No chance for u to survive

An intelligent wife

''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"

New SIM to surprise her husband

Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room. She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling"

The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen..

Wife treats husband

A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday ..

At The Club: Doorman Says: Hi Jim How R You?

Wife Asks: How Does He Know You?           
Jim Says: Oh Dear, I Play Football with Him

Inside Barman Says: The Usual Jim ?          
Jim Says To Wife: Before You Say Anything, He's On the Darts Team in My Local

Next A Lap Dancer Says: Hi Jim       
Do You Crave Special Again?

The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..

Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy, You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.."

Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday

Cool message by a wife

Cool Msg by a woman: Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"

Lion bounced on wife

In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.      
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!         
SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing d battery of my camera..

Throwing knives on wife's picture

Husband was throwing knives on wife's picture. All were missing the target!        
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what r u doing?"   
His honest reply, "MISSING U"

I will think about it

When a married man says "I'll think about it",

What he really means that,  He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet..

Habbit of talking in sleep

A Lady to Doctor:    
My husband has  habit of talking in sleep! what shud i give him to cure? 
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak wen hez awake

Wife: Do you want dinner?

Wife: Do you want dinner?  
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?        
Wife: Yes and no.

To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.    
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"     
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

I look at your picture and the problem disappears

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?       
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?

Wife: honey what r u looking 4?

Wife: honey, what r u looking 4?     
Husband: nothing

Wife: why have u been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour?           
Husband: i was just looking 4 the expiry date

Wife wish 2 be a newspaper

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that u were a newspaper so I could have a new one every day.

Can I make a call to my wife?

A man in Hell asked Devil:   
Can I make a call to my Wife?         
After making call he asked how much to pay.         
Devil: Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.

   

Too late for garbage

Wife Running After A Garbage Truck:          
Am I Too Late For The Garbage?

Hubby Following Her Yelled: Not Yet.          
Jumpppp Innnn Fastttt.

What if you don't see me for 2 days?

A man came home late at night after a party.        
His wife yelled:        
"how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"    
The man couldn't believe his luck: 'that would be great'!   
Monday passed and he didn't see her......  
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....     
On Thursday his swelling became better    
And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.

Who is guilty (Husband / Wife)?

Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!" Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!"

Why women starts with W

You know why women starts with 'W'...      
because all questions start with "W".. !      
Who ?         
Why ?          
What ?        
When ?       
Which ?       
Whom ?      
Where ?      
&
Finally Wife..!!!

NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN

Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt, Tsunamis to devastate, Hurricanes to sway around & no one teaches How to choose a Wife,

NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

Recently fired stock trader

A recently fired stock trader said ...

"This is worse than divorce...  I have lost everything  and I still have my wife..."

Message of the year

Message of the year:-         
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!        
Why? Very simple...
A woman does not have a wife..!!!

Husband to a newly wed wife

Husband to a newly wed wife: I could go to the end of the world for you. 
Wife: Thanks, but promise me you will stay there for the rest of your life.

Why did u shoot ur wife?

Judge: why did u shoot ur wife instead of shooting her lover?

Sardar: Your honour, it's better to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

Your husband needs rest

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?          
Doctor: They are for you.!!

Natural Kidney Cleanser

 This Is one more useful post from my facebook Wall

CLEAN YOUR KIDNEYS IN Rs. 1.00 OR EVEN LESS...
It is very easy, first take a bunch of parsley KOTHAMBRI Soppu (DHANIYA)and wash it clean, Then cut it in small pieces and put it in a pot and pour clean water and boil it for ten minutes and let it cool down and then filter it and pour in a clean bottle and keep it inside refrigerator to cool.
Drink one glass daily and you will notice all salt and other accumulated poison coming out of your kidney by urination also you will be able to notice the difference which you never felt before.
Parsley is known as best cleaning treatment for kidneys and it is natural!

Cancer Killer

 This is one post I read in facebook I have added to my blog to serve me as a reminder...


CANCER KILLER – Natural Cancer Cell Killer 10,000 Times Stronger Than Chemo!


The Sour Sop or the fruit from the graviola tree is a miraculous natural cancer cell killer 10,000 times stronger than Chemo.

Why are we not aware of this? Its because some big corporation want to make back their money spent on years of research by trying to make a synthetic version of it for sale.

So, since you know it now you can help a friend in need by letting him know or just drink some sour sop juice yourself as prevention from time to time. The taste is not bad after all. It’s completely natural and definitely has no side effects. If you have the space, plant one in your garden.
The other parts of the tree are also useful.

The next time you have a fruit juice, ask for a sour sop.

How many people died in vain while this billion-dollar drug maker concealed the secret of the miraculous Graviola tree?

This tree is low and is called graviola ! in Brazi l, guanabana in Spanish and has the uninspiring name “soursop” in English. The fruit is very large and the subacid sweet white pulp is eaten out of hand or, more commonly, used to make fruit drinks, sherbets and such.

The principal interest in this plant is because of its strong anti-cancer effects. Although it is effective for a number of medical conditions, it is its anti tumor effect that is of most interest. This plant is a proven cancer remedy for cancers of all types.

Besides being a cancer remedy, graviola is a broad spectrum antimicrobial agent for both bacterial and fungal infections, is effective against internal parasites and worms, lowers high blood pressure and is used for depression, stress and nervous disorders.

If there ever was a single example that makes it dramatically clear why the existence of Health Sciences Institute is so vital to Americans like you, it’s the incredible story behind the Graviola tree..

The truth is stunningly simple: Deep within the Amazon Rainforest grows a tree that could literally revolutionize what you, your doctor, and the rest of the world thinks about cancer treatment and chances of survival. The future has never looked more promising.

Research shows that with extracts from this miraculous tree it now may be possible to:
* Attack cancer safely and effectively with an all-natural therapy that does not cause extreme nausea, weight loss and hair loss
* Protect your immune system and avoid deadly infections
* Feel stronger and healthier throughout the course of the treatment
* Boost your energy and improve your outlook on life

The source of this information is just as stunning: It comes from one of America ‘s largest drug manufacturers, th! e fruit of over 20 laboratory tests conducted since the 1970′s! What those tests revealed was nothing short of mind numbing… Extracts from the tree were shown to:

* Effectively target and kill malignant cells in 12 types of cancer, including colon, breast, prostate, lung and pancreatic cancer..
* The tree compounds proved to be up to 10,000 times stronger in slowing the growth of cancer cells than Adriamycin, a commonly used chemotherapeutic drug!
* What’s more, unlike chemotherapy, the compound extracted from the Graviola tree selectivelyhunts
down and kills only cancer cells.. It does not harm healthy cells!

The amazing anti-cancer properties of the Graviola tree have been extensively researched–so why haven’t you heard anything about it? If Graviola extract is

One of America ‘s biggest billion-dollar drug makers began a search for a cancer cure and their research centered on Graviola, a legendary healing tree from the Amazon Rainforest.

Various parts of the Graviola tree–including the bark, leaves, roots, fruit and fruit-seeds–have been used for centuries by medicine men and native Indi! ans in S outh America to treat heart disease, asthma, liver problems and arthritis. Going on very little documented scientific evidence, the company poured money and resources into testing the tree’s anti-cancerous properties–and were shocked by the results. Graviola proved itself to be a cancer-killing dynamo.
But that’s where the Graviola story nearly ended.

The company had one huge problem with the Graviola tree–it’s completely natural, and so, under federal law, not patentable. There’s no way to make serious profits from it.

It turns out the drug company invested nearly seven years trying to synthesize two of the Graviola tree’s most powerful anti-cancer ingredients. If they could isolate and produce man-made clones of what makes the Graviola so potent, they’d be able to patent it and make their money back. Alas, they hit a brick wall. The original simply could not be replicated. There was no way the company could protect its profits–or even make back the millions it poured into research.

As the dream of huge profits evaporated, their testing on Graviola came to a screeching halt. Even worse, the company shelved the entire project and chose not to publish the findings of its research!

Luckily, however, there was one scientist from the Graviola research team whose conscience wouldn’t let him see such atrocity committed. Risking his career, he contacted a company that’s dedicated to harvesting medical plants from the Amazon Rainforest and blew the whistle.

Miracle unleashed
When researchers at the Health Sciences Institute were alerted to the news of Graviola,! they be gan tracking the research done on the cancer-killing tree. Evidence of the astounding effectiveness of Graviola–and its shocking cover-up–came in fast and furious….

….The National Cancer Institute performed the first scientific research in 1976. The results showed that Graviola’s “leaves and stems were found effective in attacking and destroying malignant cells.” Inexplicably, the results were published in an internal report and never released to the public…

….Since 1976, Graviola has proven to be an immensely potent cancer killer in 20 independent laboratory tests, yet no double-blind clinical trials–the typical benchmark mainstream doctors and journals use to judge a treatment’s value–were ever initiated….

….A study published in the Journal of Natural Products, following a recent study conducted at Catholic University of South Korea stated that one chemical in Graviola was found to selectively kill colon cancer cells at “10,000 times the potency of (the commonly used chemotherapy drug) Adriamycin…”

….The most significant part of the Catholic University of South Korea report is that Graviola was shown to selectively target the cancer cells, leaving healthy cells untouched. Unlike chemotherapy, which indiscriminately targets all actively reproducing cells (such as stomach and hair cells), causing the often devastating side effects of nausea and hair loss in cancer patients.

…A study at Purdue University recently found that leaves from the Graviola tree killed cancer cells among six human cell lines and were especially effective against prostate, pancreatic and lung
cancers…. Seven years of silence broken–it’s finally here!


Here is another given by one of the reader...

There is one more natural treatment for cancer - available at our foot step but not much in practice - i suggested it to some of the cancer patients who where bed ridden and now after 6 months they are off to their work - its asparagus - make juice and take just 1 spoon every 2 hours day and night for any cancer patients - for 3 months and see the difference - it has no other side effects.